1 00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:03,786 Ooh! Sorry. Excuse me. 2 00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:05,440 Yeah. 3 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:09,487 So, Gregory Eddie, Mr. Eddie, I see you're back from break. 4 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:10,923 Yes, indeed. 5 00:00:10,923 --> 00:00:13,926 And I see you, Ms. Teagues, are also back from break. 6 00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:15,537 Yep. I need to just-- 7 00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,104 Ooh! Oh, no, I was, um-- 8 00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:18,105 But we can-- Yeah. 9 00:00:18,105 --> 00:00:19,106 - No? - Mnh-mnh. 10 00:00:19,106 --> 00:00:20,672 No. We don't have to. 11 00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:24,502 Funny how social skills just atrophy when you never use them. 12 00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:25,938 They're just being weird 'cause they danced 13 00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:27,157 at a club during break. 14 00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:29,246 Only club I go to is Bible Club. 15 00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:30,334 Do they play good music there? 16 00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:31,335 My favorite club just got shut down 17 00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:32,989 'cause they let a horse in. 18 00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:37,776 [ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ] 19 00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:46,872 ♪ 20 00:00:46,872 --> 00:00:49,005 It was a Disney Channel grind at best. 21 00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:50,180 Grow up. 22 00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:51,355 Take these score sheets. 23 00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,270 Uh, score sheets for what?[ Gasps ] Oh! 24 00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:55,098 This week is the Read-A-Thon! 25 00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:56,186 Sponsored by Dough Nuts Pizza. 26 00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:58,232 "Dough Nuts for Reading." 27 00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,842 Shut up, Janine. 28 00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:01,235 So, how does this work? 29 00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:03,324 The class that reads the most gets a pizza party? 30 00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:05,500 And that's what the kids want? 31 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,415 Kind of. Every kid gets pizza, 32 00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,286 but we track the class in each grade 33 00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:10,287 that reads the most. 34 00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:11,941 It's mostly ceremonial, 35 00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,117 but some of us take it more seriously than others. 36 00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:17,164 Clear the way! Two-time second-grade 37 00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:19,514 Read-A-Thon champion coming through! 38 00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:21,603 And this belt's staying with the champ. 39 00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:22,952 [ Scoffs ] 40 00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,868 Yeah, well, who wants to wear a big belt anyway? 41 00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:31,656 Either way, I'll be the one wearing that, 42 00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:35,573 because my kids are gonna win because they want to, not me. 43 00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,402 I believe in losing. It builds character. 44 00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:41,101 I would never bet against Melissa in a read-off. 45 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,147 I have seen her inspire even the most reluctant readers 46 00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:47,411 to devour a complete "Boxcar Children." 47 00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:50,414 Mm-hmm. I'm gonna mop the floor with you, Teagues. 48 00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:51,763 You don't want to do that. 49 00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,896 It'll just spread the spill around. 50 00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:54,897 [ Chuckles ] 51 00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,246 [ Bottle spraying ] 52 00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,856 [ Quietly ] Yes, yes, yes! 53 00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:58,640 [ Normal voice ] Janine! 54 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,207 Did you see the big news? 55 00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:02,426 Oh, my God. Did the multi-color pushpins come in? 56 00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:05,081 No. Well, I mean, yes, that is huge. 57 00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:08,040 But, uh, I got two sign-ups for after-school podcast club. 58 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,738 Oh! Two. 59 00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:12,175 Two? Wow! That-- That's enough to tango. 60 00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,437 I cannot wait to get started. 61 00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:15,396 I'm picturing "This American Life" 62 00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,484 meets "Pod Save America" 63 00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:17,702 with the research of "The Daily," 64 00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,313 the storytelling of "The Moth," 65 00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:22,272 all while, like, redefining the form, à la "Radiolab." 66 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,231 How many white podcasts do you listen to? 67 00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:25,667 Hundreds. 68 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:26,972 I listen at triple speed, though, you know, 69 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,278 to fit them all in. 70 00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:29,323 Actually, this conversation kind of feels like 71 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,454 it's in slow motion. 72 00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:34,154 - But I am so informed. - Ah. 73 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,329 Gregory! Mm? 74 00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,026 We got two sign-ups. 75 00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:39,898 You ready to, uh, redefine journalistic storytelling? 76 00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:42,336 Wait. You're doing the podcast club? 77 00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:44,251 You get paid a little more when you do an extracurricular, 78 00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:47,297 and my financial status continues to be 79 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:50,082 a source of tension in my romantic life. 80 00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,347 Yeah, you're gonna need a lot more 81 00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:55,349 than one cart of books to beat my kids. 82 00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,046 Yes, I'm well aware of that. 83 00:02:57,046 --> 00:03:00,180 This is my third trip back from the library this morning. 84 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,572 How are you doing that? 85 00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:04,662 Well, I didn't want to reveal my secret earlier, 86 00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:06,403 but I figured out how to fit two weeks 87 00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:10,451 of math lessons into next week, which means this week, 88 00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:15,760 my kids can devote their time to reading and beating your class. 89 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,110 Behold. 90 00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:20,287 Our reading wonderland. 91 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,766 [ Classical music playing] 92 00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:27,468 Figured if I come for the queen, then I best not miss. 93 00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:29,209 Right, kids? Right? 94 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,775 And, so, if you think-- 95 00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:31,994 ♪ 96 00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:33,474 [ Door opens ] 97 00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:37,956 Alright, listen up, my little eagles... 98 00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,219 it's game time. 99 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,177 I'm gonna need youse reading nonstop, okay? 100 00:03:41,177 --> 00:03:43,353 That means if you're at recess, you're reading. 101 00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:44,528 On the bus, reading. 102 00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:45,877 If you are at gym class, 103 00:03:45,877 --> 00:03:48,140 the sit-and-reach is now the sit-and-read. 104 00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:49,446 Yes, Felicity? 105 00:03:49,446 --> 00:03:51,318 What about when I take a shower? 106 00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,058 Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag. 107 00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:56,540 Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks that her class can outread you, 108 00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,281 but that ain't gonna happen. 109 00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,283 So what time is it? 110 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:01,545 Children: Game time! 111 00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,678 That's right. Deja, Levi, Bryana, 112 00:04:03,678 --> 00:04:06,333 come on up here for a second. 113 00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,682 Alright, listen up. 114 00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,292 You three are very strong readers, 115 00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:11,163 so I'm gonna need a lot of pages from you. 116 00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,252 Can you handle it? 117 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,514 We got this, Ms. Schemmenti. 118 00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:14,950 Alright! That's my girl. 119 00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,299 Go get 'em, kids. 120 00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:18,823 I'm gonna read more books than anyone. 121 00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:21,391 Yeah, right. 122 00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:24,133 Levi, Mya's gonna do her best, alright? 123 00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,526 Just like everybody else. 124 00:04:25,526 --> 00:04:27,310 Mya's a great student. 125 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:30,313 Just when it comes to reading... 126 00:04:30,313 --> 00:04:35,187 Hey, kids, like adults, all have their strengths and weaknesses. 127 00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:37,929 As in, you know, Janine's got lots of weaknesses, 128 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,497 and my strength is exploiting them. 129 00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:44,762 Clarence, Raheem, it is an honor to embark with you 130 00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:47,591 on the inaugural voyage of "This Abbott Life." 131 00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:49,767 Producer Gregory and I--Mr. Eddie. 132 00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:53,510 We understand that the world needs your stories, 133 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:56,513 and this podcast is going to be a window 134 00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:58,428 into the very soul of Abbott. 135 00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:01,997 Soft, inviting intros, rhetorical questions 136 00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:05,566 dripping with pregnant pauses, the Ira Glass model. 137 00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:07,655 What type of pauses? 138 00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,047 What's an Ira Glass? 139 00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:11,441 Ira Glass? The godfather of podcasting, 140 00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:12,747 the podfather? 141 00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,270 Oh, you mean Joe Budden. 142 00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:16,228 Well, I-I think he pronounces it Biden, 143 00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,970 but we will work on diction when the mics are hot. 144 00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:22,322 You've never heard of Joe Budden? Here. 145 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:28,458 [ Indistinct chatter through earbuds] 146 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,155 [ Bleeping] Whoa! Okay. 147 00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:31,243 [ Both laugh ] 148 00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,158 I'm not sure how Mr. Budden's mother 149 00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:35,378 would feel about that podcast. 150 00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:38,903 Anyways, here is something to go off of for Episode 1. 151 00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,731 But, you know, make it your own. 152 00:05:40,731 --> 00:05:43,908 Wherever the story takes you, go there. 153 00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:46,346 Y'all be careful. That equipment ain't cheap. 154 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,044 You think just anybody can start a podcast? Please! 155 00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:51,176 Oh, you haven't heard of the Coleman Podcast Network? 156 00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:53,875 It's a couple of "Housewife" recaps, "Banana Mouth," 157 00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:57,182 my screenwriting-advice podcast, "Catch These Fade Ins," 158 00:05:57,182 --> 00:06:00,098 not to mention my ASMR endeavors. 159 00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:02,405 [ Whispering ] But Spotify made me take those down. 160 00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:05,495 [ ASMR eating noises ] 161 00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:07,671 I'm telling you, Barb, I've never had a class 162 00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:10,108 make this much reading progress this fast. 163 00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:12,850 We're riding that Magic School Bus straight to victory. 164 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:14,896 I never cared for that Ms. Frizzle. 165 00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,419 Always wearing those kooky outfits, 166 00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:19,379 and that overzealous, can-do attitude. 167 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,468 You guys talking about the Read-A-Thon? 168 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:22,947 I am killing it. 169 00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:25,646 Yeah, my kids are behind a few pages, but not for long. 170 00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,343 We are winning it to be in it. 171 00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,866 No, that's not it. Mm. 172 00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:32,217 I just think it's cute how you're still trying, Janine. 173 00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,567 You're not gonna catch us. 174 00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:36,396 That Wimpy Kid can't crank out diaries fast enough. 175 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,310 [ Chuckles ] 176 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,703 Whoa. Wait. 177 00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,313 Nurse Makiah, where are you going with these three? 178 00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:43,403 They wouldn't stop rubbing their eyes on the playground. 179 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,622 One of them said they've been reading this in the bathroom, 180 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,189 then gave the book to the other two. 181 00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:49,713 It's pink eye. It's always pink eye. 182 00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:52,324 Oh, my three strongest readers! 183 00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,500 Why?! 184 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,676 You told us to read at all times. 185 00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:56,633 I did. Aw. 186 00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:58,548 Come on. Come on, kids. Let's go. 187 00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,898 Hope you feel better, kids. 188 00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:01,899 Ugh! 189 00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:03,640 Your pizza's cooked, Schemmenti. 190 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,687 I genuinely do hope your kids feel better, but you're done. 191 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:07,731 You know what, Janine? 192 00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:09,167 [ As Melissa ] Oh, oh, oh, oh, 193 00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:11,256 you want to talk about pink eyes, Janine? 194 00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:13,955 I'm gonna give you a black eye, ya gabortz. 195 00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:16,261 [ Normal voice ] Yeah. It was gonna be something like that. 196 00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:17,567 Hmm? 197 00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,265 Melissa: Mm. 198 00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,530 [ School bell rings ] 199 00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,797 Oh, hello. 200 00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,625 How long you been sitting there? 201 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,365 I'm standing, and a long time. 202 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:36,107 Okay, well, you can just wipe that smirk off your face. 203 00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:38,501 I know plenty of people who have counted me out before. 204 00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,285 - Mm-hmm. - And while I have absolutely 205 00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:44,376 no way of confirming this, I'm positive they're all dead. 206 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,943 I hope not. 207 00:07:45,943 --> 00:07:50,513 But, uh, since you're so sure, how about we raise-- 208 00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,689 This is in the way. 209 00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,517 How about we raise the stakes? 210 00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:55,953 Oh, okay, a side bet. Mm-hmm. 211 00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:57,694 Alright, what are you thinking? 212 00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:59,827 Hmm. 213 00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,481 I don't know. I'm confident I'm winning, 214 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,526 but I don't have anything of value or any money. 215 00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:06,181 Okay, how about we wager something you can't possibly 216 00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:08,531 put a price on-- dignity? 217 00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:09,750 Oh. 218 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,709 Loser has to streak at the Sixers game. 219 00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:13,971 Yeah. Yep. 220 00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:15,233 Mm-hmm. 221 00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:17,627 Definitely, I would do that, but, also, um, 222 00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:22,327 something else that could be just as bad is, 223 00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:25,548 loser has to be a guest on Jacob's podcast. 224 00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,202 Equally as humiliating. 225 00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,160 Alright. Okay. 226 00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:31,772 Okay, listen up. 227 00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,251 Y'all already heard the news. 228 00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:35,515 Levi, Deja, and Bryana have pink eye. 229 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,560 Now, I know they were leading the charge, 230 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,737 but we are still in this. Right? 231 00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,522 We can come back from this setback, 232 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,612 and when we do, it will make the victory all the sweeter, 233 00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:48,745 because, my little eagles, these are the moments 234 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:51,661 that will define the rest of your lives. 235 00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,707 You don't want to look back on this week 236 00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:55,012 when you're 35 and think, 237 00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:58,015 "Man, if I had only won that reading thing." 238 00:08:58,015 --> 00:09:01,671 So, who is gonna step up and lead this class 239 00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,717 to eternal glory? 240 00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:05,632 I'll read the class to eternal glory. 241 00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,416 That's right, Mya. Who else? 242 00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,592 I guess I can read while I watch TV. 243 00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,768 - Yeah. - If I listen to an audiobook 244 00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,683 while I fall asleep, that counts, right? 245 00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:16,425 I don't need to know how you do it, just get those books read. 246 00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:20,298 Alright, let's go! Crack those books! 247 00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:23,606 A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk. 248 00:09:23,606 --> 00:09:24,781 Stump. Thunk. 249 00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:25,869 - What are you doing? - I'm checking levels. 250 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,218 Can you hear me? 251 00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:29,394 I really wish I couldn't.[ Door opens ] 252 00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:32,180 Don't mind me. I'm just here to make fun of you. 253 00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,485 Thank you for the honesty. 254 00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,749 Okay. Is everybody good on the theme? 255 00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:37,533 Yep. "Cafeteria Blues." 256 00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:38,708 We got plenty on that. 257 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,275 Well, I knew you would. 258 00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,625 Okay, Producer Mr. Eddie, roll that royalty-free music, 259 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:45,236 and I will jump into my intro. 260 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:48,283 [ Mellow electronic music plays] 261 00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,067 Lunchtime can be so polarizing. 262 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,069 For some, it's a well-earned mid-day break. 263 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,506 For others, a bit more complicated. 264 00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:56,596 In West Philadelphia, I'm Jacob Hill. 265 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,424 Today on "This Abbott Life," two of our producers tell us 266 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:02,689 about those cafeteria complications firsthand. 267 00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:05,822 - Gentlemen? - What's up, Mr. C? 268 00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:06,954 Man! 269 00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:09,173 The Abbott cafeteria is a whole movie. 270 00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:10,218 Right. 271 00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,915 All the school baddies in one place. 272 00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,830 We're talking about the cafeteria, 273 00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,397 and you're talking about girls? 274 00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:17,138 Lunchtime's about starting rumors. 275 00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:21,229 Otherwise, the bus ride home is going to be boring! 276 00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:23,971 Like the rumor that you pee in pools? [ Laughs ] 277 00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:25,755 Yo, that's a whole lie. 278 00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:26,887 Show some respect. 279 00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,062 I'm trying to respect these jawns, 280 00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,541 but you're over there blocking me. 281 00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:32,632 Okay, alright. Um, yeah, good, uh, energy, 282 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,503 but maybe rein it in a tad. 283 00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:37,854 Remember, this is about journalistic storytelling, okay? 284 00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:38,899 There's no need to argue. 285 00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:40,944 This is what podcasts are about. 286 00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:42,511 We're just being ourselves. 287 00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,861 Yeah, I checked out some of those podcasts 288 00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,471 you were telling us about. 289 00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:47,951 It's like listening to school. 290 00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,518 Don't waste your time. 291 00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:51,433 Those nerds speak like a bow tie came to life. 292 00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:54,088 Well, we all know that Michael Barbaro milks it a bit. 293 00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:56,264 But you have to master the fundamentals of podcasting 294 00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:59,789 before you can break them, right, Producer Mr. Eddie? 295 00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:01,356 Oh, I wasn't listening. 296 00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:02,836 Oh--But please don't feel the need to repeat yourself. 297 00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:04,315 Can I at least tell the story about that one time 298 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:05,708 when I was spitting game to Emily? 299 00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,057 No, no. Sorry. That would be-- 300 00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:08,537 Jacob, let that boy speak. 301 00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:11,627 Emily is top-10 popular, and I need that tea. 302 00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,107 Come on, let's get it. 303 00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,155 [ Gasps ] Ooh, look, look, - look, look! - Hello. 304 00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:20,854 Okay. According to this chart, Janine, 305 00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,812 my class is way ahead of yours. 306 00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,596 Let me get this straight. 307 00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:26,642 Three of your best readers - go down with pink eye. - Mm-hmm. 308 00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:28,992 And, yet, somehow, your class starts 309 00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:31,255 reading more books than everyone? 310 00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:33,954 Yeah, 'cause I give one hell of an inspiring speech. 311 00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,651 You know, we Schemmentis pride ourselves 312 00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,958 on our art of coercion. 313 00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,437 Motivation. 314 00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,917 You know, if it wasn't for one of Melissa's speeches, 315 00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,440 I never would have watched "The King's Speech." 316 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,833 - Mm-hmm. - But I tell you what. 317 00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:47,707 That Colin Powell sure can act. Mm! 318 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,927 Yeah, well, speech or no speech, something is off. 319 00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,842 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 320 00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:55,627 Are you accusing me of cheating, Teagues? 321 00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:56,977 Uh, yeah. 322 00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,848 Only because you brag about cheating all the time. 323 00:11:58,848 --> 00:11:59,936 [ Scoffs ] 324 00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,285 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 325 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:05,202 Now, now, Melissa does cheat from time to time. 326 00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:06,856 Yeah, my first boyfriend. 327 00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,379 My-- My second boyfriend. 328 00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,294 Keto diet 'cause I ain't giving up carbs. 329 00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:13,036 My--But she would never cheat on an actual competition. 330 00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:15,996 Yeah. What am I, the USC athletic director? 331 00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,432 Okay, fine. You know what? 332 00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:19,347 I'm gonna go right now and check my readers' reports 333 00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:21,088 just to make sure we're on the level, alright? 334 00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,743 Look, listen, all I'm saying is, I just want things to be fair. 335 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,485 And I bet when you watch sports, you root for the refs. 336 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:29,879 I do. You do? 337 00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:31,968 Yeah. Mm-hmm. 338 00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:40,803 Mya, could you bring that book up to my desk, please? 339 00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:43,937 Great. What you reading, hon? 340 00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:47,897 "Rip Van Wi--" 341 00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:49,203 That's okay. That's a hard one. 342 00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:52,554 "Rip Van Winkle." How is it? 343 00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:54,425 It's good? Yeah? 344 00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:56,340 So, on this form your parents signed, 345 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:59,474 it says that you read like 25 books last night. 346 00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:01,911 I'm just checking-- Is that the number you meant to put down? 347 00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:04,871 Yes. I want to help the class kick Ms. Teagues' butt. 348 00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:07,308 [ Laughs ] Yeah, you are. 349 00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:08,613 You sure are. 350 00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:11,834 Um, so, you said you, um, read like 10 of those 351 00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,488 "Berenstain Bears" books. 352 00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:15,969 Just remind me, what's the name of the sister bear again? 353 00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,536 Mm, Beyoncé? 354 00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:23,367 [ Laughs ] Hey! Here they are. 355 00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:27,284 The hosts of Abbott Elementary's number-one podcast. 356 00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:29,460 What'd you think of that first ep I dropped? 357 00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:30,548 Droll, right? 358 00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:31,985 This episode blows. 359 00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:34,857 [ Aa-ooga sound effect] 360 00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:35,858 Sorry. 361 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,033 Whoa, what do you mean? 362 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,035 You ruined our episode. 363 00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:42,082 Jacob: The cafeteria staff say negotiations with the district 364 00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:43,344 come down to one thing. 365 00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:45,302 Clarence: Respect. Raheem: Respect. 366 00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:47,609 Respect. Chapter 3. 367 00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,872 The popular-kids' table can be a daunting-- 368 00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,091 [ Beep, recording stops ] 369 00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:53,136 This isn't what we recorded. 370 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,224 This is your script. 371 00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:55,704 Producer Gregory and I thought-- 372 00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,401 Uh, Mr. Eddie had nothing to do with this. 373 00:13:57,401 --> 00:14:01,449 Okay, I thought that a more school-appropriate version 374 00:14:01,449 --> 00:14:04,844 would be more appropriate for school. 375 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,889 And, look, there's a learning curve here, you know? 376 00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:09,065 We are all--You censored us. 377 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,328 Okay, do not say that. 378 00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,417 This isn't what we signed up for. 379 00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,505 Yeah, man. 380 00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,464 We quit. 381 00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,292 I was really excited for this, too. 382 00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,990 Um... 383 00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:22,339 Do we still get paid for the club 384 00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:25,603 if there are no students in the club? 385 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:26,953 No. 386 00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:30,260 [ Wah-wah-wah-wah sound effect] 387 00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,179 Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Okafor. 388 00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,051 Hey. Come-- Come sit down. 389 00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:40,531 Hey, Mya, why don't you go read one of those books I put out. 390 00:14:40,531 --> 00:14:42,794 How about I read all the books? 391 00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:44,405 Okay. 392 00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:47,016 Listen, I just wanted to check in with you guys about Mya. 393 00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,931 Is something wrong? Is she okay? 394 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,019 Oh, no, no. 395 00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:52,108 She's fantastic. Are you kidding? 396 00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,588 She's got her math down to a science 397 00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:54,937 and her science down to an art. 398 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:57,548 [ Chuckles ] Hey! 399 00:14:57,548 --> 00:15:00,900 Um, yeah, okay, so, the thing is that she brought in her 400 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,294 Read-A-Thon list this morning that you guys signed off on. 401 00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:06,166 And I just don't see how it's possible 402 00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:08,864 she read all these books just last night. 403 00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,779 Of course she did. 404 00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,781 Listen, she's fantastic, 405 00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,609 but none of the kids in the class 406 00:15:14,609 --> 00:15:16,741 can read 25 books in one night. 407 00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:19,440 - She's still a fine reader. - Okay. 408 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:24,184 Mya, who is your favorite character in "Curious George"? 409 00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:27,839 Um, George? 410 00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:29,189 See? Here's the thing. 411 00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:33,062 Mya is just starting to show some initial signs 412 00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:34,672 of struggling with reading. 413 00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:38,459 And the last thing that I want is for her to get frustrated 414 00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,156 and then, you know, get annoyed 415 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,071 and give up on reading altogether. 416 00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:45,031 So I just thought, if we get her tested, 417 00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,076 we can eliminate any issues she might have with reading-- 418 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,296 Mnh-mnh-mnh. Mya doesn't need some tests. 419 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:51,863 I know that the idea of testing your child 420 00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:53,256 can be a little scary, 421 00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,432 but, listen, we just don't want her to fall behind. 422 00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,999 There is nothing wrong with her. 423 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,566 Oh, no, no, no. 424 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:00,307 Mr. and Mrs. Okafor, I never said she was falling behind. 425 00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,743 There's nothing wrong with her. 426 00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,397 - She's a fantastic student. - Mya, let's go. 427 00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,921 She just needs a little extra help just in the reading. 428 00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:07,270 Mr. and Mrs. Okafor. 429 00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:11,361 I just finished four more books, Ms. Schemmenti. 430 00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:13,015 Four. 431 00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,894 Okay, guys, after re-running the numbers, 432 00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:24,896 it appears that Ms. Teagues' class read more books than us. 433 00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:28,161 [ Kids groan ] Yeah, no, no. Don't get it twisted. 434 00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:29,640 Let's think about it. 435 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,381 If you're in Ms. Teagues' class, are you really a winner? 436 00:16:31,381 --> 00:16:32,992 [ Laughter ] Alright, don't repeat that. 437 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,558 I just wanted to let you chipmunks know 438 00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:36,952 how proud I am of you, all the books you read. 439 00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:39,128 And when you walk out of this classroom, 440 00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:42,175 you keep your heads held high, 'cause, at the end of the day, 441 00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:46,048 all that really matters is, everyone's eating pizza. 442 00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,441 - Ms. Schemmenti? - Yes? 443 00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:50,313 I really tried to help our class read the most books, 444 00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,489 but can I be done with books now? 445 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,709 I mean, the contest is over, right? 446 00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,496 Yeah, actually, Mya, can I get your help 447 00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,498 with something in the hall real quick? 448 00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:04,066 Great. You guys keep eating your pizza. 449 00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,285 Okay. 450 00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,896 So, Mya, I-I want to ask you something, 451 00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,725 and I want you to be honest with me, okay? 452 00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,901 'Cause, remember, it's me, Ms. Schemmenti. 453 00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:16,209 Remember when we trekked through that snowstorm together? 454 00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,471 Stomp, stomp, stomp! 455 00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:20,082 - Abominable! - Abominable! 456 00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,605 Yeah. 457 00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:26,262 Um, can reading feel just, like, a little tough sometimes? 458 00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,351 A lot of tough. Oh, yeah. 459 00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:30,962 You know what? For me, too. 460 00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:32,660 Really? Yeah, yeah. 461 00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:35,880 But I found some tricks over the years 462 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,099 to help make it easier. 463 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:38,927 Like, look. 464 00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:41,712 You see the beginning of each of the words is highlighted? 465 00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,715 That helps make sense out of the whole word "minestrone." 466 00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:48,241 See, the story's about a little girl who, um, 467 00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:51,983 had to read things a few times till they made sense. 468 00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,811 And, sometimes, some of the other kids 469 00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,378 would make fun of her. 470 00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:57,554 But at the end, she figures out 471 00:17:57,554 --> 00:18:00,470 that it doesn't matter how fast or slow you read. 472 00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,733 Reading's about having fun. 473 00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:07,216 See, my teacher gave this to me when I was a little girl, 474 00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:09,088 just about your age, 475 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:13,396 and I promise you, I grew up to love reading. 476 00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:17,618 Ms. Schemmenti? Yeah, hon? 477 00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,924 I still wish we would have won. 478 00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:22,971 Yeah, me, too, kiddo, but, you know, what are you gonna do? 479 00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:24,015 The rules are the rules. 480 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,278 Rules stink. 481 00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:26,409 Yeah, they do. 482 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,368 Go have some pizza. 483 00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,850 [ Door opens ] 484 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:33,938 [ Door closes ] 485 00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:37,028 What happened to your little podcast club? 486 00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:38,421 Oh. [ Sighs ] 487 00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:40,249 Kids decided they didn't want to do it anymore. 488 00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,946 Yeah, I don't blame them. 489 00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:43,426 I almost fell asleep listening to the first episode. 490 00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:44,645 And I was driving. 491 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,951 Your podcast could have killed me. 492 00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:50,259 I just wanted to give the kids something new 493 00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:51,521 and exciting to do, you know? 494 00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:53,306 New and exciting for them or for you? 495 00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:54,568 'Cause it sounds like you were trying to force them 496 00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:57,353 to do something that you want to do. 497 00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:59,834 [ Mockingly ] You're a bad teacher. 498 00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,314 Oh, my God. 499 00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:03,403 I've had this exact nightmare before. 500 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:04,926 Yeah, people tell me that a lot. 501 00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,884 I call it "Ava vu." [déjà vu] 502 00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,059 Now get out of here. 503 00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:09,235 There's a new episode of "Below Deck" 504 00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:10,888 that I got to review for my podcast, 505 00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:13,761 "Small Deck Energy." 506 00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:15,371 I wanted to be like Sarah Koenig, 507 00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:19,593 you know, a graceful hand to hold through gripping stories. 508 00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,812 And, instead, I tried to force my agenda 509 00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:24,119 onto impressionable listeners. 510 00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,644 I Rogan'd. 511 00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,474 Melissa, I'm sorry you lost. 512 00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:34,347 What do you think Jacob's gonna ask you on that podcast? 513 00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:36,305 Oh, I'm not doing that crap. 514 00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,180 [ Laughs ] See that? 515 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,660 I'm like a tall Simone Biles. [ Exhales deeply ] 516 00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:47,011 Times like these, I'm reminded of Sir LeVar Burton, 517 00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:50,319 who taught us that reading is like a rainbow, 518 00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:53,279 and the pot of gold is that I won. 519 00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:55,324 You know, Janine, I re-read the rules 520 00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:57,500 that Dough Nuts prints out on their form. 521 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,806 Um, you know, sometimes, 522 00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,199 it takes me reading through things 523 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,592 a couple of times before I get everything. 524 00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:04,681 "The winning teacher is determined 525 00:20:04,681 --> 00:20:07,945 by whichever classroom reads the most books." 526 00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:10,034 And since my second-and-third-grade class 527 00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,950 are in one room, the classroom, 528 00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,561 I get to add their totals together, 529 00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:18,695 which, unfortunately for you, means I won. 530 00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,219 Dough Nuts said whats? 531 00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:30,316 I'm glad to be back, Mr. C.Yeah. 532 00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:32,013 Thanks for letting us make it our own. 533 00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:35,712 For "This Abbott Life," here's Clarence and Raheem. 534 00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:39,499 So, what questions do you little reporters have for me today? 535 00:20:39,499 --> 00:20:41,849 My mama said she saw you at the club grindin' 536 00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:45,635 all up on Producer Mr. Eddie. 537 00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:47,333 Oh, uh--Uh-- 538 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,464 What kind of podcast is this? 539 00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:50,423 Okay, so you were grinding. 540 00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,076 No. No, no, no, no, no. I was not-- 541 00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:55,384 We were dancing, you know, just how normal people dance, right? 542 00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:56,864 - Like normal people. - Yeah. 543 00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:59,301 Clarence's mom said she saw you leave together. 544 00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:00,302 What?! That is not true. 545 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:01,608 Hmm. Then what happened? 546 00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,523 I was outside talking to his friend Maurice. 547 00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:04,959 What? 548 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:07,396 Uh, Jacob, isn't this exactly the kind of podcast 549 00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,920 you wanted to steer away from? 550 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,444 Actually, I would love to hear, 551 00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:12,575 if you have anything you'd like to add. 552 00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,925 You know, for journalistic purposes. 553 00:21:17,232 --> 00:21:19,756 This episode was brought to you by the Coleman Podcast Network. 554 00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:21,758 Yeah, we're still waiting for that answer. 555 00:21:21,808 --> 00:21:26,358 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0